A year ago today I was depressed because I had a deformed chest from the emergency surgery 1/16/2018 . I had an infection from the hardware that imploded my plastic surgeon said to me. My breathing and heart suffered during the operation and I had to learn to live with what was left of my physical body. My son was in a similarly emergency surgery to his ankle at Swedish Medical Hospital in Denver CO. I could do nothing but pray for both of us.
My prayers were heard from the source that created all life and today in the present I have learned that depression is only temporary with a belief of self-worth . There is no medication legal or illegal that will eradicate the depression. There is only me,myself and I taking a path by navigating my creative scenes for my benefit of “Love” .
Valentines Day this year is two days from today and I am having a party at my home for some friends that “Love me for me ” . I have help here in my home to help me with the preparations and the others that come will help with the clean up. I do sleep and rest during the day as needed. It is not what others think I should do with my time I have left. It is only what I think I should do with my precious time and energy that matters to me.
I have a team of health care providers that provide all the necessary services for my safety. I am grateful to still be alive even though my doctors keep saying I have terminal cancer.
Terminal cancer is the beginning of life for me. It is not the end of my life.
The rapid spread of my breast cancer from stage 2 to stage 4 in my bones now is a gift I am blessed with from the source of creation that created everything. It has giving me time to heal old wounds from the past that no one see’s when they look at me. The scares are within my memories and they still exist with the rising of the sun. I listen to others as they tell me their stories of their wounds as wounded worriers. I have learned that I am not anyone’s healer. I am just as human and vulnerable as all of those I have had a relationship with. I no longer am on Face Book or other social medias because it is no value to me at this time. I only keep up with my blog grandmamichele.com for helping others to be reflective with the way I am managing my stage 4 cancer now
All I have been giving is today the present to be grateful for that I am still alive and able to think clearly.
My clarity was fogged by the shifting tides of reflection from the past desires that were swept away by dreams of my amazing creative imagination.
Up date on my physical stage 4 cancer management without prescribed medications from my team of doctors in the Wayne Memorial Community Health Centers.
Together with my own health care insurance policy from Penn Treaty and my family and friends I manage to live in the present as it unfolds until my last breath.
12/24/2018 My son was driving us to his first surgeon’s appointment an hour and a half from our Damascus PA home when his cell phone rang at about 11:30 am. It was the scheduling surgeon’s service to advise us that there was a mistake with his scheduled appointment and he needed to reschedule. My son was off the wall as the Disney character Humty Dumpty falling off his high wall and broke into tiny priceless pieces of rage from his objective opinion of the incompetence. We were about 18 min away from the surgeons’ office. He asked “why didn’t you call me yesterday to reschedule ?” He explained we were driving for over an hour already to get to the office on time. The woman on the phone said “ I will call the office now and they will get back to us and explain. “ There was dead silence in the car until I said to my son ” there is always a reason and not to assume it is bad” . The situation was satisfactorily taken care with my son’s medical issues that was addressed with another surgeon at that office at 12:30 pm 12/24/2018 .
Our day continued with conversation about family,friends, stranger’s,and business relationships of the living and the dead between me and my son as we were on the road to more destinations.My son said to me “Mom I only believe in you”. Not always true, I thought to myself “ That didn’t matter that my son was not on my path all the time or at the speed that I was comfortable with “.
My level of pain in my body was about a 5 and I was doing my best to manage it with knowing I was loved by many living and dead forms I Identified with.
I had no clue that I had opened a vortex to the dead zone that me ,myself and I was afraid was fiction from my imagination.
It was 5 pm and we were back at our Damascus P.A. home with a full tank of gas in the car. I thought we would run out of gas on the way home because I was dissociating from the present reality. When I realized the car was driving 4 more miles with no gas reading on the digital dash board to Narrowsburg NY gas station,the magical vortex was now within my aura.
To manage my pain without any pain medication,I took a hot bath with essential oils and lite candles in my bedroom and went to bed. I couldn’t sleep at 6:30 pm,but rested in SILENCE BY MYSELF IN MY SAFE PERSONAL SPACE. Two feelings that were uncomfortable for my body attached to my consciousness. I told the feelings to go away. They left and then for the third time in my life I heard voices in my head. I knew the voices. It was Frank and Carol Kay who were dead from a gas explosion a few years ago. I was awake and it was the experience of their voices validating that only the body dies but not the consciousness of the souls with their personal identities. It was 3:33 am when I got out of bed to look what time my clock read but it wasn’t that exact time because I had set my clock forward 10 minutes. I did that to be on time for appointments I had scheduled. It was on Christmas Day 2018. I had felt the love from not only Frank and Carol Kay but the horses and other animals that were showing me their faces as they licked my face out of my pain l had in bed a few hours before.
This is a true story of my experience . Why was I gifted ? I don’t know . I have been both good and bad throughout my lifetime. What I am happy about is that I can share my experience as it happened last night. Today I go to a girlfriend’s home to pay my Sympathy visit to comfort her of the loss of her Father last Wednesday. I shared my experience with two other friends today by a cell call.
It take a lot of my energy to continue on this Path.
One question I asked Frank and Carol was ” Is their any form of judgement or discrimination where they were? Carol answered “NO” It is Sanctuary!
Focused energy of the physical body,mind and spirit was the ability to be a laser and cut out whatever was wasting my valuable energy source of power to heal myself.
Social media was eliminated. There was one reason to gain strength as a mother and live with abundance.
“love ” My son was with me December 7/2018 celebrating our Jewish Holiday at our Temple in Honesdale PA My son’s smile on his face at the time this photo was taken was my abundance of love.
I look out my sliding glass 8 foot door window and see as far as I can see what is outside. It appears to be 22 degrees at 11:11 am. The sky is blue and clear.
Inside is 70 degrees and warm from the insulation of my Palace. My home is my palace and I am the Queen living inside. I think to myself how blessed I am to be alive and grateful that I inspire myself to be whatever I fancy and is comfortable for me.
My physical body has a mind of it’s own. To heal myself I use my brain navigating to live without much resistance from the smoke of illusions.
I have a multi sensory perception navigating through space my feelings of being human.
Stage 4 cancer is not a death sentence for anyone.
Everyone will die sometime.
Any life threatening disease or situation that can result in death of any species is part of evolution.
The less evolve species of the food chain is equally as important to the most evolve species of the food chain .
Time is precious. Time cannot be bought or sold. The value of “Time ” as the day begins and ends is all there is for me and my love ones.
I have been observed by others as I did the same. The Epiphany appeared and I realized we are the same inside the vessel of skin and bones of our encasement.
It was time for me to be me and to leave others to each their own
My beliefs of my personal stage 4 cancer journey has nothing to do with others, or does it?
The following story became my memoirs:
I was told by my new oncologist with my son at my side “there was no cure for my stage 4 cancer. You can have treatment with oral chemo medications,and a shot in your arm once a month. You will be tested to see results as you let me know how you are feeling during your treatments.”
The Wayne County Hospital network was able to get me free medication for a year while my doctor reported the effects on my physical body.
At first I was excited with the word “Free ” I was already drained from medical bills and charities that I had supported. For some reason,I thought by giving,I would feel satisfied.
That was a perception of feeding my ego. My ego was filling itself up with hot air, only to explode by repeating the same thing.
It took time to understand that nothing was “Free” and there was always a price. I would be another experiment for the manufacturer of these drugs.
I was my own experiment of my creative imagination and that was enough for me.
I said ” no thank you” for anymore treatments to my oncologist.
It felt good to be free from medical experiments.
I was staying emotionally strong through the winter months by driving my 2019 Subaru orange Cross trek through all the storms with my son next to me.
I was having fun playing my character”Grandma Michele” from Planet Zatar.
The orange Subaru was a manifestation from my first fiction book “Grandma Michele the story teller and listener”.
In the book,I was conceived on the orange quadrant of planet Zatar.
Orange signified the color of the solar plexus of the Chakras. It was a flow of energy from my creative imagination. I was using my imagination to create a perfect fit for being human.
My imaginary pieces were fitting into the picture I had created for my joy.
It was not about anyone else,it was all ways about me and how I observed myself.
The mother role was the power of “Love”
My son’s power role was similar to mine but not exactly my beliefs of healing.
My son,consistently would tell me,that CBD oil would heal my cancer and I should invest in that belief.
I like many thought it would alter my perception like any mind altering drugs or alcohol.
Taking the CBD oil focused what mattered for my well being.
I started taking CBD oil 10/20/2018 twice a day as directed from www. firstname.lastname@example.org and felt it was supporting my clarity.
I live in the present and that brings me joy.